how to live

a comprehensive guide

live as if each day is your last. forget about the future and have as much fun as you can today. tomorrow’s never promised and you don’t want be an old person filled with regret. so make the most of everyday—don’t work or study or grind away at any task ever. only do things that are fun in that moment such as scrolling on your phone and vaping and eating out and watching stuff and chilling and partying. anything not fun is not worth doing. (skip laundry.) anything that’s not the best is not worth having. only hangout with the coolest people working the best jobs wearing the flyest clothes going to the most lit parties living in the safest neighborhoods of the most happening cities. (live in a town? eww!) life’s gotta be happening, duuude. each day is your last, after all.

but not really—who has the energy to live like that? we all have jobs to pretend to do and bills to autopay and food to order online. live instead as if each day is your first. think only about your future and never enjoy the present. have goals and work towards them at the cost of everything else. focus focus focus. don’t waste any time socializing or partying or traveling or doing anything remotely fun. just put your head down and work for the next forty years. (think about your retirement!) the future is all that matters, dude, can’t you see?

so live to make as much money as possible. money is everything. but of course it isn’t, it’s not going to make you truly happy. well, actually it is, far more than you realize. so go get that bag, champ. study hard and earn that degree so you can apply for seven hundred jobs and find one that pays well. (quick tip, try not to get laid off or have your job automated out if you can help it!) as you get older and that cash starts flowing in make sure to invest whatever you make. invest in stocks and bonds and index funds and the s&p and crypto and memecoins. (stop drinking coffee—invest those four dollars instead!) then spend whatever leftover savings you have on prediction markets. bet on national elections and global wars and hollywood award shows and company ipos and sports games and natural disasters in one fell swoop. (how cool!) gamble hard. drive three hours to the nearest casino or just install an app. bet on everything. go all-in. (why yes I play poker, why do you ask?) remember you’re only three bets away from financial security. most gamblers quit before they make it big. so never give up. do whatever it takes to make the big bucks. money will solve all your problems. (oh no, not that problem, obviously, that’s just part of who you inherently are, buddy.)

but how do you make money? by being productive, of course. grind grind grind. lock in this winter. change your life in three days. become a millionaire in six months. become a billionaire in five years. but for that you need discipline—oh god it’s so important!! discipline discipline discipline. stop doomscrolling. (proudly tell everyone you’ve deleted instagram. secretly continue using it from your browser.) study hard and work hard and get hard. don’t waste any time, don’t waste a second doing something just for its own sake or just “for fun”. gross! every waking hour must be sacrificed at the altar of producing economic value. every second lost not studying a subject or practicing a skill or grinding on your goals is a second wasted to eternity. so fix your procrastination and laziness and excuses. grind grind grind. how will you be successful if you don’t apply yourself? (how to stop procrastinating. how to stop procrastinating reddit. procrastination avoidance techniques. do I have adhd reddit. online adhd test. online iq test. online personality quiz. what is intj. common introvert signs. common autism signs. how can I change my entire personality…?)

good, now that you’re on your sigma productivitymaxxing grindset it’s important to have a daily routine. you want to be rich, don’t you? so here’s what you do. wake up at 5am every day. work out for three hours—high intensity cardio then pilates then crossfit then weights. (read atomic habits on your kindle in one hand while curling a dumbbell with the other so you don’t waste time.) then do yoga for an hour. then sit in a sauna for thirty minutes while meditating at the same time. be mindful, yo. take deep breaths. (no, you’re not anxious, of course you’re not anxious, it’s all fine, no it really is, no damn it will you just stop overthinking and listen to m—) phew! morning routine done. now is the time to be productive. take the train to work (‘cause you live in a Big City ‘cause you’re cool) while sipping a matcha latte (you obviously tipped the barista because you’re a good person and not just because she was cute) while listening to a tim ferriss podcast episode (through wired earphones ‘cause you’re fashionable) where marc andreesen talks about his his life-changing journaling habit (which you’re obviously going to incorporate ‘cause you’re smart). soon you’re at the office. (it’s just like the show!) login to your sweet laptop job. slack your colleague about how you’re in the trenches. hey guys, happy monday, how was everybody’s weekend? do anything fun? not really, just caught up on some sleep, actually. totally, totally. so anyway, let’s get started… then work sixteen hours straight. hi mister claude can you please make this slide deck for me and write this email for me and fix this bug for me and build an end-to-end saas application for me and fix my entire personality to make me less awkward too while you’re at it. (god, you work so hard.) watch a youtube video on building a second brain during your lunch break. (talking to work colleagues? eww!) get more work done after lunch on your ergonomic mouse + mechanical keyboard + three monitor + standing desk setup. god, you have such a cool tech stack. finally it’s 5pm and your day is done. now is the time to be productive after work—you don’t want to waste your precious evenings, do you? so go running (because you’re preparing for that 5k. (maybe you can do an iron man someday…)). then go grocery shopping (because you’re meal prepping to save time). then get home and make a proteinatious dinner. (protein is all that matters in life.) after dinner it’s time to resume your intellectual journey while the sheeple fall behind watching unproductive tv slop. (watch netflix? eww!) start creative journaling just like marc suggested. write down three ideas for that book you’ll never write and five more for that startup you’ll never launch. then read meditations on your kindle. (no, don’t read a novel, read only real books with data and insights—why would you waste time reading a made-up story that didn’t even happen, are you dumb?) then highlight the important stuff so you can be as wise as your boi marcus aurelius and attain true nirvana. grow your third eye. (no babe your third eye is perfect, the bigger ones scare me.) go to bed tired and confused, slowly falling asleep while feeling inexplicably hollow inside even though you did everything right today. wonder what’s the meaning of it all.

(only forty more years to go!)

but if things still don’t improve after doing all of the above for three days then don’t worry, it’s not your fault. it’s the economy, bro. it’s the job market, bro. it’s the high interest rates, bro. it’s capitalism, bro. it’s the systemic oppressive structures of society that are victimizing you, bro. it’s at the intersection of art and technology, bro. it’s for you dawg, it’s lit.

that’s why you need to make room for enjoyment. a part of you has got to live each day like it really is your last. and for this you’ve got to have a social circle full of scintillating intellectual conversation interspersed with the right amount of jovial laughter. hey man, how’s it going? pretty good, how’ve you been? oh you know, same old same old. me too, man. hey let’s hang out sometime, yeah? for sure, bro. so go make friends and do things with them. friends friends friends. (it’s just like the show!) join a run club and a book club and a tech club and a pickleball club and a coffee club and an ai club and a squash club and a chess club and a fumbling club and a clubbing club. then go running and bowling and drinking and picnicking and mini golfing and bar hopping and farmers marketing and contra dancing and sensory deprivation tanking and axe throwing and museum viewing and coworking. omg you have got to try this new place! hang out at restaurants and sports bars and cafes and terraces and concerts and bistros and clubs and beer gardens and friends’ apartments and raves and parks and more cafes.

but don’t be selfish while you’re having all this fun. check your privilege, broski. give back to the community. donate to charity. donate to causes. donate blood. donate a kidney. care about things. care about refugee crises and middle-eastern wars and flash floods and geopolitical conflicts you totally understand (you do play chess, after all). then donate your other kidney. try and make a difference. volunteer at charity organizations and non-profits and food stamps and homeless shelters. most importantly make sure to post what you learned from every volunteering experience on linkedin. it’s wasted otherwise.

you can’t have fun or be useful to others if you don’t have your health, though. forget living each day as your first or last, you need to be alive first. so take care of your mind and body at the cost of everything else. I mentioned working out in the daily routine above but that’s just the start. real health isn’t about diet or exercise, it’s all about the metrics, bro. so go buy an apple watch and a garmin and a whoop and an oura ring and track your steps count and sleep score and calories spent and blood pressure score and heart rate and testosterone levels and every other bit of data your body emits. consume 100g of protein for every pound of body weight and drink 50 litres of water and take multiple vitamin and magnesium and b12 and creatine supplements every day. (eating fruits and veggies? eww!) give up sweets and alcohol and sugar and tea and coffee and carbs and rice and bread and everything else in between. give up oxygen too while you’re at it (too many calories).

one last thing: while you’re busy doing all of this don’t forget to experience life outside. travel! go on hikes and treks and road trips and flights and cruises and spacewalks. visit beaches and forests and deserts and tundras and glaciers. don’t get stuck in your own life, visit a new part of town, a new city, a new country, a new planet. (look for an indian restaurant no matter where you go.) and don’t just travel to clichéd tourist traps, expand your horizons a bit; visit niche and esoteric destinations like goa and dubai and manhattan. (brooklyn? eww!) explore new cultures and try out their food and meet their people. but know that your culture is the bestest one, whichever one it is.

and that’s pretty much it. you basically you need to grind while also having fun while making money while taking care of your health while not doomscrolling while being productive all the time while being socially aware while ensuring you have friends while not doomscrolling while taking care of your health while making a difference in society while seeing new places while not doomscrolling while optimizing your day-to-day life and maximizing your experiences and optimizing your maximizing and maximizing your optimizing.

phew!

congratulations on learning how to live. you can now become Perfect.